so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
