then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
