worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
