I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
