The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
