At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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