If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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