feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
