I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
