That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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