Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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