I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
