he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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