I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
As shirtless as possible
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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