I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
