Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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