We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
