I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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