Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
