planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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