I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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