don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
