some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
