it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Still dying that you shit outside
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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