Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
