Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
