Sry I called you an 8
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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