my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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