I will die if light touches me.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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