i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Your cock deserves a montage
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
