Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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