He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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