if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
