I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So gin and wine won't be happening again
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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