Even water is tasting like jack daniels
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
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