Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
