I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
