just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
