Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
