I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Randomize
