I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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