Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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