why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
this is an emotional support booty call
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
