I just pynch a tree in the face
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
