So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
