apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
the condom got lost in my hair
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
