capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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