break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
