Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
