On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Alive.
So much puke
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
